Heart Attack - Sabun

‘He's charming, handsome, funny, cute, loud, outgoing… God he’s perfect...N-No! I don’t like him that way.’ Many thoughts of my classmate, Julian Jonathan invaded my mind and they made my damn heart skip a beat. I sighed loudly as I sat up cross-legged on my king sized bed; I scratched my head while my gaze was focused on the wall.

Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough…

It was a Saturday afternoon and i was bored out of my not-so-genius mind, all of my closest friends decided to go somewhere which meant that they couldn’t hang out with me. But I didn’t really care, I wanted to relax and lay-back this weekend due to having a stressful week at school.

But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yeah you, make me so nervous,
That I just can’t hold your hand

My head turned to my blue closet and I rolled my eyes, ever since he moved to my school, I went from wearing jeans, t-shirts and hoodies to blouses, skirts and sometimes even high heels. It took a while for me to get used to the ‘girly’ clothing but I felt like it was worth it; even if my friends would ask or criticize about my new style and I'm just like "hey! I only wanted to look good for Julian."

‘Why do I keep doing this to myself?’ I thought to myself as I got up from the mess of pillows and bed sheets. ‘I don’t him that way, we’re just friends, I don’t like him that way, we’re just friends…’ I kept on repeating the same sentence over and over again…

'You were afraid of falling in love.' I thought

After seeing so many girls having they hearts broken, I became afraid of having to go through the same pain and emotions. But every time I looked at the cheerful Julian I felt like there were hundreds of butterflies fluttering in my 3D stomach.

I was looking out of the window, gazing at the blue sky and I eventually got lost in my um... thoughts. And some of those thoughts were about him…

The door opened and a figure slowly walked into my room.

“Hey Sabrina.” The black haired Jonathan said cheerfully as he poked me in the back.
I flinched at the sudden unexpected contact, gasping when I turned around to see who was standing behind me.

“Julian?!” my brown eyes widened as I looked closely at him before looking down at my current lazy outfit which consisted of a random baggy T-shirt, grey sweatpants and white socks.

“Yep, I was bored and I thought you weren’t doing anything either so I came over.” The boy chuckled as he patted my back. “Wow you’re looking pretty today!” he commented as he looked at your clothing.

I blushed brightly and I smacked him right in the arm.

“Well sorry for not looking ‘hot’ when I’m home on a Saturday!” I snapped back, regretting the aggressive voice tone I just used.

He took a step back and he raised his hands defensively, he looked somewhat scared but that goofy yet attractive grin was still on his face.

“I was just kidding… I think someone’s on her period!!!” He laughed again, raising an eyebrow at the blushing girl in front of him.

“I’m not on my- Wait who let you in here in the first place?” I didn’t have enough energy to argue with Julian, even if he was wrong about something he would always get another argument and it wasn’t even relevant to the discussion for most of the times.

“Your mother, she’s a very nice lady.” His obnoxious grin turned into a sweet smile and I couldn’t help but smile back… He could be such a sweetheart sometimes. “Anyway, do you want to go somewhere?” He asked.

I felt my heart stop beating for some seconds, did he indirectly ask me on a date or did he just want to hang out with me as friends…? I replied with a shrug since I didn’t really know what to say.

“I don’t know, I need to ask my parents first.” Was the only excuse I could come up with for the moment, part of I wanted to go out but another part felt like it was a bad idea.

As much as I loved Julian as a friend, the Jonathan was a total flirt. At school he had become very popular with the girls and he gained a reputation of a flirt and heart breaker and like always, I was the one who had to hear other girls whine and complain about Julian since I was one of his best friends. I was already reluctant to fall in love…Especially falling for a heart breaker like him.

He smiled widely as he turned his back to me.

“Do ‘ya want me to go ask them while you get dressed?” He offered as he headed towards the door, I nodded before he exited my bedroom.

I sat on my bed and I sighed quietly, that boy was so stubborn! He wouldn’t be satisfied until he got whatever he wanted. Since I didn’t have much time to pick anything out because He could walk in at any moment,so I picked a random red plaid-shirt, dark skinny pants and low cut boots and I looked down at the clothes in my hands.

“Yo Sabrina! Your parents are cool with us going out, your dad told me to bring you back before 18:00 though.” He yelled from the other end of the door.

“Okay, I’ll be out in a second!” I yelled back as I quickly changed to my better outfit. I ran to the small mirror in my room and I applied some simple makeup, a bit of mascara and pale pink lipstick.

The door unlocked and I walked out of my bedroom, running my fingers through my hair to make it look neater since I didn’t want to keep Julian waiting. He looked at me with a wide grin.

“Wow, you look beautiful Sabrina.” He said, looking down at me, due to the height difference. Julian would always say something about my looks but I would usually ignore him and try changing the topic.

Yet this time I blushed lightly and I bit lightly on my lower lip. ‘He’s just being nice Sabrina, now ignore him and let’s go.’ I nodded and replied with a “Mhm” sound before walking down the hallway and into the front door of my house.

He opened the door and he waited for me to walk out, I left my house while tucking some strands of my black hair behind my ear. The sun was shining and the sky was perfectly clear, making it a perfect day to go out for a walk at the local park.

“Want to go to the park?” He quickened his pace so he could catch up with me, he ran his fingers through his natural messy but perfect black hair as he let out a chuckle.
“Sure, sounds nice.” I smiled down at the ground.

The walk was somewhat awkward, he wasn’t saying anything and neither was I and that created a long silence, that was until I decided to break it.

“So…Are you still going out with that girl?” I asked curiously while turning your head towards him, Julian looked back at me with his stupid grin… That stupid grin that I always loved…

“Nope, I broke up with her last week.” He said calmly as if it was nothing. “She was such a bitch, always complaining that I wasn’t spending enough time with her.” he rolled his eyes as he talked about his previous ‘girlfriend’ while I listened carefully. “And she even dared to talk behind your back…” He mumbled, crossing his arms in anger.

“Oh no she didn’t” I shouted dramatically, trying to look serious for some moments but then I burst out laughing loudly. This wasn’t the first time one of Julian’s relationships went downhill because the girl’s comments about me, he was a very overprotective friend and whenever someone dared to hurt me in any way, things were about to get serious.

He sat down on the park bench and he jerked his head back, allowing the sunshine to warm him up. You sat next to the fan-of-dutch-but-not-dutch boy, staring at him discreetly.

‘Why does he have to be that perfect? I like him so much… Whenever I’m sad he’s always there to cheer me up.’ I looked down at my lap and I fiddled with the cell phone on my hands. ‘He makes me feel so alive and I always have a great time whenever I’m around him!’ I frowned sadly.

You make me glow, 
But I cover up  
Won’t let it show…

He eventually sat back up and he noticed my frown, Julian placed his palms on my cheeks and he turned my head so he could look into your brown orbs.
“What’s wrong Sab?” He asked with a hint of concern in his voice.

Puttin’ my defenses up,  
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love  
If I ever did that  
I think I’d have a heart attack.

‘I’m not in love with him. We’re just friends, I only love him as a friend…He only loves me as a friend.’

I shook my head to try avoiding looking into his pretty brown eyes even if he was stronger than me. Julian wouldn’t take a silent answer so he leaned in to make his gaze more intense and intimidating, he wouldn’t stop until he got an answer.

“I’m fine! L-Let me go idiot!” I wouldn’t usually call him names but there is a time for everything.

“It doesn’t look like it.” He replied. “Come on Sabrina tell me!” He insisted childishly, Julian Jonathan was a junior high school student and he still acted like a third grader…

Eventually I gave up, there was no point on denying my feelings for him.

The feelings are lost in my lungs
They're burning,
 I rather be numb  
And there is no one else to blame..

“Damn it Julian, it’s all your fault!” I shouted angrily as I pushed him off, the weird mixture of feelings I was going through at that moment made my heart start racing.

Julian moved back with wide eyes, he would always do that or attack me with tickles whenever he needed to get some kind of information from me but I'd tell him immediately, I never pushed him away before.

“Stop playing with my feelings. I can’t take it anymore…” At this point some tears were forming on the corners of my eyes. “You’re always flirting with other girls and then you forget about me and then they come to me, whining when you screw up or something!” It felt nice to let out all of my bottled feelings, Julian just sat there and he listened to all I had to say without interrupting.

So hard I take of in a run
I'm flying too close to the sun  
and I burst into flames

“Can’t you see that I like you?  I mean- Before you came to our school I didn’t give a shit about dressing up and relationships but we started getting closer I started acting more like a girl and I’m nervous when we’re alone together, but I always have so much fun that I end up forgetting all about it. I do this so I can look good for you Julian the Idiot, just like the girls you flirt with.”

Both of us sat there quietly, I was too embarrassed to say anything while on the other hand, Julian was reflecting on what he had just heard.

“I didn’t know… I really didn’t know Sabrina.” He said softly, it turns out Julian was very dense…

I shrugged and I scooted further away from him on the bench but he wrapped his arms around my waist and he dragged me closer to him. I squealed quietly when he did that but I didn’t fight back like I previously did.

“I’m sorry Sabrina and I never wanted to hurt you.” He looked at you with a rare serious expression on his face. “I love you...” Julian said softly.

‘No…no…No…Please tell me it’s all a joke!’

“J-Julian are you b-being serious?” I murmured shyly, I couldn't believe that he had just confessed.

"Do you think I would do this to a girl who I didn't love?" As soon as he finished his sentence he leaned forward, gently pressing his soft lips against mine.

Once he pulled away from the kiss, I shook my head, my frown quickly turned into a sweet smile. I knew him pretty well and I knew that by the tone of his voice and his actions, he was telling the truth.

"...I love you too." I whispered quietly before kissing him back. my heart was pounding out of my chest at this moment, after denying my feelings and telling myself that I would never fall in love for so long, it felt amazing to know that someone loved me back.

Sometimes taking risks is the best choice.

Puttin’ my defenses up,
Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
 If I ever did that  
I think I’d have a heart attack...