together forever - sabun(?) #okesip

“Just.. Just leave me alone.   I’ve heard enough of your excuses.  Don’t call me.  Don’t text me.  Ever.  Again” I spoke as calmly as possible as I watched Julian crumple in front of me.  

“I never meant to hurt you..” I heard him whimpered from behind his mop of hair.   

“And what exactly made you think cheating on me wouldn’t hurt me, huh?” 

He fell silence & I took that as an invitation to leave his apartment.  I felt the tears I had been withholding fall down my face as I heard him silently sobbing into his couch.  It was his loss.  He deserved what I had dished out at him & nothing he said now could help.  We had been dating for 1 1/2 years now & I had caught him with some girls.  I was at my car now & I could barely catch my breath, the tears were streaming down my face so violently.  I was going in hysterics, it had taken me at least 10 tries to push the keys into the ignition I was shaking to terribly.  

When I finally got home, I ran to my room & spent the rest of my night crying myself to sleep, hoping that God would give me mercy.  I shut off my phone, turned off my computer & locked my door.  

I was awoken the next morning by a group of police men at my door.  My groggy mind took a moment to register the situation they were explaining to me with sorrow faces.  

“.. we found him in his bathroom, clutching a picture of you for dear life with a small note attached.” They looked down for a minute while they pulled the small crumpled paper out for me to see.  

 

You’re right.  You deserve better.  What I did to you was unthinkable & I know you’re a smart girl, you know better than to get back with me.  After you didn’t answer my calls it became clear to me that I would never be able to move on.  “Because nothing feels like home, you’re a thousand miles away & the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.”

I love you forever & always.  

-Julian

I looked up into the police officers eyes as I felt myself lose control & collapse on my front door step.  Sobbing, begging, pleading for this to all be a stupid joke.  The officers took a deep sigh & gave me a soft shake of the head.  

“I’m sorry for your lose.  Truly, I am sorry” They spoke as kind as their voices would allow before turning on their heels & heading back towards their cars. 

“NO.  No.  It was only a stupid fight.  He’s still back on his couch.  Waiting for me to come back & let myself back into his arms.  No.  You’re lying.  NO.” I began to choke  on the words as they tried to escape my mouth.  I sat for what seemed like an eternity on my front doorstep, clutching the necklace he had given me for our one year anniversary.  I lifted my head slowly remembering a part of the letter he had written me.  “After you didn’t answer my calls”.  I crawled to my phone as fast as my weak body would allow & pressed the voice mail button.  

I lost the little control I had over my body as I heard his broken voice before he left me one last time.  

“By the time you hear this, I guess I won’t really be around.  Oh god.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m so sorry.  I won’t ever be able to forgive myself, even if you ever did.  I can’t .. I can’t live with myself.” he broke into sobs the line ran dead.  My shaking hand dropped the phone onto the cool tile floor while I gathered the strength to pull my body off the kitchen floor.  I stumbled towards my bathroom & scrambled to open the razor box i saw, scars and scars appeared,  I felt the life draining from my body.  

“I love you forever & always. Without you I’ll be miserable at best” 

My eyes rolled back & I counted down my heartbeats before I could see him again.  

Author's note: tragis bgt, masa dua"nya bunuh diri .__. #aishh