Happy Birthday To Me - Sabulian(?) (not so sad, but sad)

Twinkling lights littered the ballroom ceiling, casting a glittering look about the room. People moved back and forth chattering happily and laughing, seeming to glow from the soft lights. I smiled to myself; I was happy that everyone seemed to be having a good time and marveling at how beautiful the room was. I had planned a small birthday party, a little get together, and a group of my friends had turned it into a big fancy party, forcing me to wear a pretty dress and make sure I looked presentable. That’s when I knew my plans had been hijacked.

I glanced anxiously around the room, silently taking everyone in. I scanned the many groups of people to make sure I hadn’t missed him somewhere in the crowd. Maybe he was here and was looking for me. I circulated the room. I was happy so many people had shown up to honor me, but there was only one person I wanted to see right now. Julian.

My nerves were on edge about seeing him tonight. We had been together for the last couple years but we’d been going through a really bad rough patch the last six months and I couldn’t say why. We hadn’t been talking lately and when we did, we were arguing over everything. He had promised me this morning though that he would be here and I clung onto that. Maybe after tonight things would go back to normal. Maybe after tonight we would be okay. That was all I wanted for my birthday. For us to be okay. I glanced at the clock for what seemed to be the millionth time tonight, chewing my lower lip and only as a passing thought did I think that doing this might get lipstick on my teeth. I didn’t care right now though, I just wanted him.

This time when I looked at the clock, butterflies erupted violently. I realized he should be here any minute. He said he’d be here at 8:30 pm and it was now 8:25 pm. I looked at the door, expecting him to burst through at any moment. I felt rooted to the spot, waiting with baited breath. It was as if my world went into slow motion waiting for the doors to fly open and for him to be grinning cheekily at me. He’d told me he had a few things to do before the party and I had said I’d understood. It was fine if he was a little late. It was understandable. He was an international soccer player; of course he had things to do on his time off. As long as he showed up, I didn’t care. The rest of the boys had shown up and I had chosen to ignore their slightly raised eyebrows and not-so-subtle glances at each other when I mentioned he was going to be late.

People kept asking me when we were going to cut the cake but I kept putting them off, insisting on waiting for him. I didn’t want to do it without him. He said he’d be here. I did my best to silence the voice whispering that I knew how this was going to end.

My arm is jerked aside and I’m brought out of my thoughts as my best friend Penn, Grace grabs me, squealing and laughing as she runs behind me and uses me as a shield. Her boyfriend Erik quickly emerges between people in the crowd obviously having been chasing her.

“You can’t do anything to me, Sabrina is base!” She laughs hysterically.

“Bullshit! That’s no fair!” he pants. He is understandably out of breath. She wraps her arms around my waist and sticks her tongue out at him playfully. I giggle and give him a shrug and an apologetic look before hugging her back. We chat for a bit about random things and I get caught up in talking to them.

“So how’s the boyfrieeeeeeend?” Grace asks. I blush and look at the floor before looking back up at her.

“He’s doing really well! Just got back from the world tour, so you know, relaxing and enjoying the time off.”

“Where is the shit-faced boy anyway? I’m assuming somewhere around here mingling with us lesser beings?” Duke asked. He didn’t hide his dislike for my boyfriend particularly well. Grace gave him a stern look and he glanced away pretending not to notice.

“No, actually…” I glanced back at the clock. It seemed we had been talking for longer than I thought. It was after 9 pm. “Actually he should be here…” I looked around the room and still did not see him. “I’m going to go see if I can find him.” She nodded enthusiastically.

“Of course! I’m sure he’s just getting a drink or something.”

“Yeah, of course,” I agreed half-heartedly. Part of me was telling me she was right, that he’d been here and just got caught talking to people. But then the voice came back, telling me he wasn’t here. That he hadn’t shown up at all. That he wasn’t going to show up. You know how this is going to end.

I quickly scanned the crowd and caught sight of the other boys. I approached them and when I did, Reza opened his arms up to me. I went into them quickly, giving him and the others hugs.

“When are we going to eat cake? I’m hungry!” Reza whined.

“Ni, you’re always hungry.” Nicky pointed out. Reza looked like he was going to protest and then decided better of it and nodded.

“Have you guys seen Julian? I can’t seem to find him. I don’t want to cut the cake without him and he should be here by now.” They quietly said they hadn’t seen him yet. “Well, will you help me look around? I don’t want to do it without him.” They agreed to help me and we each set off around the place. I took my phone out while searching the ballroom one last time and then a few adjoining rooms. I tried calling him but his phone went to voicemail after ringing forever. I huffed and headed towards the kitchen in the building, thinking for some reason he might’ve been in there. No surprise, I found Reza instead. We looked a bit longer and then went back into the ballroom.

I entered the room with the four boys behind me. When I walked through the entrance everyone’s eyes turned to me. I was momentarily taken aback by everyone’s eyes on me. Grace approached me and wound her arm through mine.

“Are you ready to cut the cake?” she asked. I looked around the room at everyone staring at me expectantly. My eyes found the clock and I realized it was almost 10 pm. He was an hour and a half late. He lied. He wasn’t coming. Again the voice was there in my mind. You’ve known all night he wasn’t coming.

Without a word I turned around and pushed through the boys, speed walking to the bathrooms as fast as I could. I tried my best to push the whispers from my head; I could hear people taking pity on me and I didn’t like it.

I violently pushed the door open and made my way to the smooth marble sink. The thought crossed my mind that I had never seen a bathroom so nice. It was beautiful. Everything about this night was beautiful. The music. The people. The room. The building. It would have been absolute magic if only he were here. Everything went perfect tonight, except the one thing I desperately wanted and needed to. I would have given all the beauty and happiness of this night up if only he would have come. If only he would have cared enough about me.

I hung my head and watched as mascara streaked tears fell from my face and raced to the bottom of the perfect sink. My chest clenched and I suddenly felt like my skin was burning and like I couldn’t breathe. I screamed and hit the mirror with my fist, too sad and lonely to care about the cost of the damage of the cracked glass. I registered somewhere in my mind that the bathroom door had been flung open and I was in someone’s arms. It didn’t matter who because I knew it wasn’t Julian and it never would be again. They hummed and rocked me in their arms doing their best to sooth me. After having a long, hard, hysterical cry for several long minutes I raised my puffy eyes and realized I had just ruined Reza’s shirt with my smeared lipstick and mascara-tears. He looked down when he felt me raise my head slightly.

“Hey love,” he whispered.

“He said he’d be here,” I cuddled my head back into the space under his chin as silent tears started falling again. He ran his hands up and down my arms. “He said he’d be here,” I whispered.

“I know. I know,” he replied. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in as the bathroom door slowly swung open to reveal a sad looking Grace.

“Hey, I sent everyone home. It’s just us now.” She gave me a small smile and behind her, four heads peeked around her body also sporting little smiles. Erik, Nicky, Simon and Felix all shuffled their feet inside, looking around and obviously unsure of themselves. They eventually all came to sit in a half circle around Reza and I on the floor. We were silent for what seemed like hours until I finally decided I had had enough of the bathroom. I raised my head and everyone around me perked up.

“Cake?” I offered.

“Finally!” Reza half groaned and half shouted. I giggled and lightly slapped his shoulder. Simon helped me stand before helping Reza up as well. I wiped my face as best as I could and slowly made my way back down the hall towards the ballroom. The main lights had been turned off and now all that was on was the strings of lights on the ceiling. The candles on the cake were lit and we sat in a circle around it in the darkened room, Erik and Grace on either side of me. I looked around at them all as they began singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ I watch as they each stare at me and all I can think of is how I wish Julian was here for this. How intensely happy I would be in this moment and how complete it would be.

The phone on my bedside table begins to ring with his special tone. I pick it up in my hand and stare down at the picture of us. He’s sitting with his wide perfect smile as I kiss him on the cheek from behind. It’s my favorite picture of us. I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear, not sure what I’m going to do or say to him.

“Hey babe, I’m so, so sorry I didn’t make it last night,” he begins immediately. He rambles on about getting caught at a friend’s house and I stay silent as I listen to him and then something in my brain clicks. He’s quit talking and I’m quiet long enough for him to question “Babe?”

“I’m sorry, too,” I whisper.

“Huh?”

“I said I’m sorry, too. You should’ve been there. You’re the one person I care most about in this world and you weren’t there. We’re not going to be able to go back after this. Things have been wrong for too long between us.”

“Babe –”

“No. Do you know what I wished for last night as I was blowing my candles out with Grace and the other boys? The one thing that I wanted and that would have made me happier than anything?” He was silent. “You, that’s all I wanted,” I sniffed, tears starting up for the second or third time today. “You don’t feel the same and I don’t know when that changed for you, but it should have ended then. It didn’t, so I’m ending it now. Goodbye, Julian.” With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I hang up the phone before I say any more. I hang my head in my hands, tears falling and landing on the little white album in front of me, I read the cover and ran to my room, leaving the others.

Photos of us, Julian and Sabrina.